I've been down in the dumps lately. It might be the recent weather we've been having (cold and rainy) or the recent sickness we've been experiencing. We weren't able to worship together as a family for Easter because Hannah was sick, which was a real bummer. I've also been feeling exhausted lately, like I just can't seem to catch up with things. For a "results oriented" person, this is especially frustrating.
I came with a heavy heart to the women's Bible study as my church this morning. But, as always, Jesus meets me when I'm down and out and expecting nothing from Him. He's sneaky that way. :) This morning we talked about Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus. Now, in those stories, I always relate to Martha more. That is what my life tends to look like--doing for Jesus rather than being with Jesus. I have recognized in the past that I often use service for God as a way to avoid having to be honest and intimate with Him.
Then there's Mary. Oh, Mary! Emotional, oblivious, extravagant Mary! As we took a deeper look at her life this morning, I was really struck by Mary's vulnerability with Christ. She was willing to look foolish, lazy, or even scandalous in her openness to Him. She sat as His feet as He taught (when she should have been in the kitchen). When her brother died, she collapsed before Him and wept--in a raw and honest way expressed her disappointment, her sorrow, her pain. In an act of beautiful worship, she anointed His feet with a bottle of perfume that cost a year's salary, and proceeded to wipe His feet with her hair. She didn't care that everyone criticized her for this. She didn't care that they were scandalized by her unconventional behavior. Mary's heart saw Jesus for what He really is. He is worth everything. Her heart was enraptured by Him so much so, that the opinion of others mattered very little to her.
Is Jesus a means to an end for me? Do I serve Him because I think that it's "the right thing to do" or because I want the benefits of an obedient life? Do I obey Him because I want to get to Heaven when I die, or because I want godly children? Do I somehow think, that by obeying God, I will put Him in my debt, that He will owe me an easy life? That would be using Jesus as a means to an end. He would be the means, but not the goal.
Or am I like Mary, serving Jesus, obeying Jesus, loving Jesus, because I want more Jesus? Is He the end goal of my life? Do I sit at His feet and gaze into His face, because I am enraptured by His beauty? Do I open the Scriptures, expectant that He will show me more of Himself? Do I open myself to be honest and vulnerable in my prayer life (as one of my friends puts in, "buck naked honest before God"? Is He worth everything to me? Would I blow a year's salary as an offering of praise and thanksgiving? These are the questions that I must be honest with myself about. My hope is this: Only the Spirit can open my eyes to His beauty. My heart is willing to see. I am reminded of this prayerful hymn and it gives my heart reason to sing...
More love to Thee, O Christ,
more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea:
More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Once earthly joy I craved,
sought peace and rest;
Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be:
More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Then shall my latest breath
whisper Thy praise;
This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
This still its prayer shall be:
More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
P.S. I just randomly put a picture of Hannah up that I liked. No real reason for it other than I love her face.
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